Should You Get a Sleep Divorce?
Here are a few signs you and your partner might be better off sleeping alone.
It’s no secret that humans need sleep. We need it to sort through and properly store the information we learned throughout the day. We need it to eliminate toxins that build up inside our brains. And we need it to function at our best.
However, the modern world is not exactly set up to facilitate a good night’s sleep. We’ve got devices, artificial lights, city noises, and all sorts of modern-day trappings all working to keep us up at night.
One sleep disturbance many couples may not think about is the fact that sleeping with a partner can often negatively impact both partners’ sleep patterns — not to mention their relationship.
This is due to a host of factors. But given how important sleep is for your health and well-being, if sharing a bed with your partner is impeding your slumber, you might want to consider a sleep divorce as much for the sake of your relationship as your health.
What is a Sleep Divorce?
Despite how the name sounds, a sleep divorce doesn’t have anything to do with breaking up. It simply means you and your partner sleep in separate beds or even separate rooms.
While this setup is generally stigmatized in the US because it is seen as a sign of a relationship on the rocks, the data suggest otherwise.
In fact, for couples with different sleep patterns or those who have certain sleep disorders, sleeping together can actually be much worse for the relationship than sleeping apart.
Interrupted sleep can lead to irritability and moodiness that causes unnecessary and often preventable fights. Not to mention the fact that night after night of being woken by your partner can often lead to feelings of resentment that can harm your relationship.
Signs You Need Separate Beds
Some couples love sleeping together and couldn’t imagine life otherwise. If you feel you sleep better with your partner by your side, then you likely do.
However, if you’re experiencing any of the following issues sleeping together, it might be time to consider alternative arrangements.
Your Partner Disturbs You
A noisy or restless partner is one of the biggest reasons couples sleep apart. If your partner snores, heats up like a Dutch oven, or spends the whole night rolling around, this can be a severe impediment to your ability to get sufficient REM sleep.
Being a disruptive sleeper is not necessarily unhealthy in and of itself, and it’s often not something a person can control or change. Thus, sometimes, the best solution is to simply sleep apart, either in different beds or even different rooms.
Certain sleep disorders can also make it very difficult for partners to sleep together. Sleep apnea is a big cause of sleep divorce.
Of course, the loud snoring can disrupt the non-snoring partner’s sleep, but even treated sleep apnea can often be disruptive because CPAP machines are not exactly silent and can sometimes slip off at night.
If you suspect your partner has a sleep disorder, you should speak with your doctor about treatment options. But if even the treated disorder disturbs you — or your partner just has disruptive sleeping habits that aren’t disordered — this could be a sign you need a sleep divorce.
You Have Different Bedtimes
I’ve seen the “go to bed at the same time to keep a healthy relationship” advice in so many different places I’ve lost count. Despite its commonness, it’s simply not tenable or even true for many couples. The reality is that many partners have different chronotypes.
Your chronotype is your body’s natural sleep/wake time. Everyone has an internal body clock that dictates when they feel wakeful and sleepy. There are morning larks who get up before the sun, night owls who stay up until the wee hours, and everything in between.
While it is possible for most people to change their sleep schedule to some degree, assuming they do not have a circadian rhythm disorder, the chronotype that determines your ideal sleep schedule is genetically determined and hardwired. Trying to pull your sleep schedule too far off your chronotype is often not a good idea.
If you’re in a relationship where one of you is a night owl and the other one is a morning lark, this could be a sign you need to sleep in separate rooms rather than keep trying to go to bed together.
What often ends up happening is the morning lark expects the night owl to adhere to their schedule, depriving the night owl of several key sleeping hours.
Another common scenario is the night owl wanders into the bedroom and wakes the morning lark up too early to rise but too late to fall back asleep.
Regardless of how it impacts your individual sleep, major chronotype differences can lead to sleep deprivation and resentment if you try to sleep in the same bed and/or go to bed at the same time. If you and your partner have different natural bedtimes, it’s likely best you have different bedrooms too.
You Wake Up Feeling Unrefreshed
Many times, couples are unaware that they are disturbing each other’s sleep. It’s actually quite easy for you to be suffering from sleep deprivation and not even know it.
There are four non-waking phases in every sleep cycle, the most important of which is REM sleep. This is the phase that is most likely to be interrupted without you realizing it.
What often happens when you sleep with a partner is you’re able to fall into the lighter sleep phases but are unable to complete a full sleep cycle by achieving REM sleep because of some disturbance caused by your partner.
If this is the case, you probably won’t know it. You’ll just be waking up every morning feeling like you didn’t sleep at all (which you kind of didn’t).
If this feeling of waking up unrefreshed every morning started or intensified after you got into your current relationship, that’s a big clue that your partner is disrupting your sleep without you realizing it.
To fix this, you may want to experiment. Give a sleep divorce a shot and see if it solves the problem of you waking up unrefreshed. If it does, you’ve found your permanent sleeping arrangement.
Your Partner Complains about Sleeping with You
Maybe you’re not the partner being disturbed. Maybe you’re on the other end of the stick, inadvertently disturbing your partner while you sleep.
If your partner complains about your snoring or your cover-hogging or any other aspect of your unconscious behavior that keeps them awake, it may be time for you to suggest a sleep divorce.
Of course, you should do so in a way that makes it clear you are not angry or distancing yourself but trying to ensure you both get the sleep you need to maintain your physical and relational health.
You Prefer to Sleep Alone
A lot of people simply prefer to sleep alone. We spend so much of our lives sleeping alone that many of us become set in our ways.
We sleep alone throughout much of childhood. We sleep alone during much of our emergent adulthood. And if we get into relationships later in life, we’ve spent much of our real adulthood sleeping alone. This can make it hard for many people to grow accustomed to the feeling of someone else in bed.
If this is the case, there’s no reason to be ashamed. Don’t let anybody’s naysaying or judgment stop you from finding the ideal sleeping arrangement for yourself and your partner.
Keeping your friends or family from unfairly questioning your relationship’s soundness isn’t worth suffering the consequences of chronic sleep deprivation.
How to Do a Sleep Divorce Right
When it comes to sleeping in different beds or different rooms, there’s a right and a wrong way. When sleeping in separate bedrooms, it’s important to make sure you don’t allow this to translate into you and your partner living separate lives.
You’ll need to make time for sex and other forms of physical affection. You’ll have to be more intentional about your sex life and make it a priority in a way that you did not when sleeping together.
You might have to deal with the logistics of visiting each other’s rooms, especially if you live with other family members, such as kids or parents.
This will look different for each couple. Perhaps you’ll make time to snuggle as soon as you get up in the morning. Maybe you’ll be sneaking into each other’s rooms like randy teenagers to have sex in the middle of the night.
Perhaps you’ll make it a habit to enjoy a little afternoon delight while the kids are at school. Maybe you’ll plan to meet up in one person’s room before bed and then separate after snuggling or having sex.
As long as you prioritize maintaining your connection, you can have your cake and eat it too in the form of maintaining your sex life and getting enough quality sleep.
Is a Sleep Divorce Right for You?
Far from serving as a harbinger of relationship doom, many couples report that the sleep divorce is the thing that saved their relationships.
In fact, up to 40% of couples sleep in separate beds and report this is better for their love lives. This is because poor sleep is no joke. It can harm your mental health, and if your partner is the cause of it, it can lead to resentment that harms your relationship.
Not to mention long-term sleep deprivation can wreck your physical health and shave decades off your life.
So don’t let the potential stigma of sleeping separately keep you awake all night. Sleeping in separate beds does not doom your relationship to failure. In fact, if you’re keeping each other awake all night, it might just do the opposite.
Disclaimer: This piece is for informative purposes only. I am not a medical provider, and nothing in this article is intended to be medical advice. If you suspect you may have a sleep disorder, speak with a qualified medical provider as soon as possible.
